Evil Stepfather

I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here. Unknown

I just had another birthday.  I tried my best to avoid it, but it turns out it’s impossible to stop time.

There’s only one person who I really wanted to hear from on that day, but I would be surprised if she remembered the occasion or cared even if she did.

When my marriage was falling apart I tried everything I could to save it.  I even went so far as to talk with a minister.  I even tried to talk to god.  I kept searching for some way to “fix” things.  After all that this and all that I have been through, I came to the conclusion that either god did not exist, or god didn’t care.  The religious types will pull out that rather tired cliché, “the lord works in mysterious ways.” Not good enough.  If the lord’s way is to allow a child to drag herself down into oblivion and to let a loving family fall apart, then god is useless.

We weren’t bad people, but our lives were destroyed.  All the while some truly evil people sit in the lap of luxury and enjoy their wealth and power created from the blood of innocents.  When I tried to speak to god, I didn’t ask for money or wealth or power.  My modest request was to give this family another chance.  I didn’t request a wave of the almighty hand to wipe the bad feelings from our mind and, like mindless drones, go back to the way things were.  Just give this family another chance — show me the way.

The other tired cliché is “the lord helps those who help themselves.” Right, and what more could I have done?  I would have done it.  Talk to my wife?  She wouldn’t talk to me?  Get down on my knees in front and beg her?  I didn’t even know where she was.  I tried talking to her on the phone.  I tried emailing her.  Useless gestures.

Supposedly, god is all loving.  Yet when I look at the world I see religious extremists killing innocent people in his name.  I see ruthless tyrants oppressing the very people they are supposed to protect.  I don’t see any of god’s supposed work. 

Does god exist?  I don’t care.  Even if he exists, he is useless.

We’re all guilty of fixating on some things.  I’m certainly guilty of that.  My ex has always had a very nasty habit of fixating on one bad thing in something and making it the entire point, ignoring everything else.  Thus I expect nothing good from an email I recently sent that did mention a few things that will not please her.  If she stays true to form, those negatives will become the entire content of my email and everything else will have never been said.

My ex just gave me some information that tells me that she is now in deep financial shit. So bad, that she’s having difficulty buying basic necessities such as food. Recently she had been complaining about some long past financial stuff that had been settled when the court signed off on our divorce.  I’m not a complete asshole, though, so I told her, “while I don’t care for your demands, have you considered just asking me for help?”

I’m not telling her to beg. That would be wrong. Just ask me like a normal human being and grant me just a tiny bit of common courtesy — something she left out of the last year or so of our marriage.  Unfortunately, it looks like she still has that mile long stubborn streak that caused some of our marital problems. Given her past history, she’ll bitch about me ruining her xmas and refuse to look at her own conduct.

For those of you thinking I should surprise her. I can’t. I don’t know where she’s living at the moment (though I believe it’s fairly close).  Plus, there are some serious legal ramifications if I just showed up on her doorstep.

I’ve extended an olive branch, but it looks like she’s slapping it out of my hand.

Addendum: I am happy to report that my ex has apologized for purposely trying to make me feel guilty.

I spent most of the weekend driving. An old friend of mine had her 50th birthday and made it a point to request my presence.  I could not refuse, of course.  The drive, however, was not fun.  400 miles alone (each way) leaves lots of time to think.  I forced myself to thing of happy thoughts.  I decided to think about what I would consider as my “best day ever”. 

A few different days came to mind.  At the top of the list is a particular day about two days before I was married.  It was the defining moment when I knew I was making the right choice.  There was no longer any doubt in my mind that I was marrying the woman I loved.  That opinion has not changed, even today.  My wedding day is near the top of the list, but it’s more of a natural progression of the events. 

On reflection, one particular day stands out as perfect.  My new wife was visiting from Europe (her permanent residence visa had not yet been approved).  At the spur of the moment we decided to jump in the car (a little red Miata) and drive down the coast to surprise my sister and her family.  The weather was perfect. The coast was gorgeous, and my wife and I were together.  It was the first time my wife saw the California coast.  It does not get any better than that.

Today should have been a special day.

I was doing ok for a couple of months.  Then yesterday, without warning, I began feeling a profound sense of sadness.  At first I didn’t know why.  I have a great job.  I have good friends.  Something, however, is missing.  I have no one to share it with.  No one close.  No one who cares about me.

Meeting someone new has proven to be impossible.  First, I’ve become extremely shy around women.  I was always a bit shy, but this is far worse.  I find myself completely incapable of speaking to a women who I am attracted to.  Second, I’m still comparing women to my ex-wife.  As much as I complain about her here, there was still so much good things about her.  It’s not like I was thinking, “Wow, she’s such a bitch!  I’m going to marry her!” I thought, and still think, the extreme change in her personality was caused by frustration and depression as a result of her daughter’s condition.  I still think of how she used to be.  The loving wife and mother, my best friend.  No one could ever hope to meet the high standards she has set.

Until I can overcome this, I’m doomed to be alone.

I’ve been divorced for a few months now. I’ve been separated for a year and a half.  I had hoped that by now I would be over her.  That I would stop loving her.

I was wrong.

They say time heals all wounds.  No, it doesn’t.

It’s my last day legally married.  I’m not exactly thrilled with the events that led to this change.  In fact, I tried like hell to save my marriage.  However, one person can not save a marriage - but one person can end it - and my soon to be ex-wife decided to let her daughter dictate her life and give up.